Updated: Oct 22, 2021
Attend to relationships, balance priorities versus demands, balance the 'wants' and 'shoulds', Self Validate, build a sense of mastery and self-respect...With these Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
DEAR MAN SKILL
The #DEARMAN skill is intended to help us develop effective interpersonal communication that will help us get our needs met and develop healthy relationships with others.
Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying “No” clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind.
Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak) by explaining the positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need.
Mindfully keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic. Speak like a “Broken record.” Keep asking for what you want. Or say “No” and express your opinion over and over and over. Just keep replaying the same thing again and again. Ignore attacks. If the other person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.
Appear confident, effective, and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating.
Negotiate be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.
The #FASTSKILL kill is an important component for communication as it allows you to maintain your self-respect and requires you to be truthful about the problems (even if you are tactful about how you frame them) and not to sacrifice your values or integrity.
Be Fair to yourself and to the other person. Remember to validate your own feelings and wishes, as well as the feelings and wishes of the other person.
Don’t Over-Apologize. No apologizing for being alive or for making a request at all. No apologies for having an opinion, for disagreeing. No looking ashamed, with eyes and head down or body slumped. No invalidating the valid.
Stick to Your Values. Don’t sell out your values or integrity for reasons that aren’t very important. Be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting, and “stick to your guns.”
Be Truthful. Don’t lie. Don’t act helpless when you are not. Don’t exaggerate or make up excuses.
The #GIVESKILL is especially important for maintaining healthy relationships through effective communications.
Be nice and respectful. Avoid attacks (verbal or physical), threats, and manipulation. Avoid harassment of any kind. Express anger directly with words. Avoid using threatening statements, ” Describe painful consequences for not getting what you want, but describe them calmly and without exaggerating. Stay in the discussion even if it gets painful. Exit gracefully. Avoid judging, moralizing, and blaming. Avoid smirking, eye-rolling, sucking teeth, and interrupting the other.
Listen and appear interested in the other person. Listen to the other person’s point of view. Face the person; maintain eye contact; lean toward the person rather than away. Don’t interrupt or talk over the person. Be sensitive to the person’s wish to have the discussion at a later time. Be patient.
Show that you understand the other person’s feelings and thoughts about the situation. See the world from the other person’s point of view, and then say or act on what you see. “I realize this is hard for you, and “I see that you are busy. Go to a private place when the person is uncomfortable talking in public.
(use an) Easy manner
Use a little humour. Smile. Ease the person along. Be light-hearted. Sweet-talk. Use a “soft sell” over a “hard sell.” Be “political.” Leave your attitude at the door.
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